1. First blackout
2. First memory hole
3. First hallucination
4. First overnight hospital stay

83 degrees, 69 dewpoint, mostly sunny.  From my dewpoint musings post, when adding temp and dewpoint: “if it’s above 150, forget pace altogether and just focus on finishing.”

I got some great advice from running mentor Adam on how to handle the race, as I’d been freaking about the temps for a few days.  He said bring ice and ice cold water so I did, stashing them in a bush for after the warmup.  Brilliant call on the ice, btw, I suggest everyone do that in summer races.

The Warmup
I go out for a little over a mile, do 4 strides and as usual, they’re slower than shit, about 30 seconds away from my usual stride speed which always happens pre-race but I never get used to it.  “At least I won’t have to worry about leaving the gate too fast”, I think to myself.

As I return to the clump of people standing around, a teenage girl wearing a walker t-shirt calls to me, “Miss…Miss, is that water on you?”  I’m not sure what she’s talking about, then I look at the thick suit of sweat on me and laugh, “Yep, it’s hot out here!”

I go to my ice stash and coat myself with a few cubes, stick a couple in my sports bra, drink some water, visit the porta-potty and line up.   It’s an out and back on the usual race course by the museum, so I know what to expect.  Small field today, more of a walker event.

Go!
I look down at my Garmin and think I see 6:59 and I get pissed with myself, but then look again, realizing it says 5:59.  I have never done such a stupid start in my life, didn’t think it was possible with that sluggish warmup so maybe it was Garmin acting wacky, still, I slow down and the first mile clocks in at 6:40.  Just right.

There’s only one girl in front of me, a young thing, and I pass her around the 1/2 mile mark, then realize, “Wow, if I can keep this up, I can win this thing!”  There’s a water stop at the turn-around point and I take a cup of water and dump it on my head (again, as per Adam’s stellar advice) …ahhh.

The folks going the other way are yelling out at me “first woman, wooohoo!”  “you go, girl!” and other fun stuff like that.  I have to admit, it’s a fantastic feeling.  Second split clocks in at 6:48.

I’m definitely hurting at this point, but I want to win, dammit!  And I wish I had eyes in the back of my head so I could know what kind of lead I have (didn’t think to watch for gals at the turnaround).  I’m slowing and I see guys in front of me stopping to walk but I barrel on, thinking, almost there, just a few minutes more, but at the same time, “man, would I love to stop.”  Nothing that I don’t think at least twice in every 5K.

Then, out of nowhere, my legs go jello, I stumble and fall on the ground – that same knee that’s opened up twice already, gets it again.  Another racer is at my side in a heartbeat wanting to help me up, but I wave him away saying, “You go ahead, I don’t want to ruin your race” but he tells me “This race doesn’t mean anything, c’mon, we’ll run in together”.  So I get up and slowly we go, then I remember stumbling again and my next memory is in the hospital being lifted from the stretcher to the ER bed.

What I’m told happened
Until this afternoon, I thought I had a DNF, but  when I got home, I called the StridesForStroke place and spoke to a girl who was there and who gave me the lowdown (what she missed, her parents saw). I crossed the line with the help of that guy and whoever was standing there.  Then I went over to the sidewalk and I collapsed again, they put me on a chair, then they put me, still sitting in the chair, into an ambulance.  Now that she explained this to me, I’m just this evening remembering little tiny snapshots.

Btw, someone from the race called me while I was in the hospital but I didn’t think to ask about what happened.  Nice of them to check on me, though.

The Hospital

Once in the hospital bed, I didn’t realize till an hour later that I had a big memory hole.  I was too freaked because the 3 friends I could call to get me were all out of town, I didn’t have a cent on me or a phone and I felt utterly alone.   On top of it, I was thinking, “This is humiliating, that’ll teach your stupid ego, you should stop racing for a few months, maybe even forever, you really have no clue of what you’re doing, blah blah…”

About an hour later, I was able to compartmentalize this where it belonged, as a medical/heat related problem and not the end of my racing “career” but it was breaking my heart up until then.

Meanwhile, I was in a bad way physically, they don’t give you water for a while and you’re dying of thirst, plus I had a fever so I felt like death, wanting to barf, too.  They gave me ice to suck on and I started to feel a bit better, eventually everyone dispersed.  A short while later, I start to see things.

Hallucinations
It’s no secret I’ve had my sampling of recreational drugs but never have I had “visions”.  This scared the shit out of me more than anything.   It was like smokey gray dancing ribbons everywhere I looked, ghostly because you could see through them.  I called for the nurse thinking I’d fried my brain or my eyesight, but she told me it’s normal when dealing with exhaustion.

They gave me tons of tests and took chest x-rays.  I’m told I have serious heat stroke, am profoundly dehydrated, my lactic (lactate?) acid is extraordinarily high and they’re concerned about my kidneys.  So I have to stay overnight.  Super duper suckage bummer of the universe.

On a cute note, everyone was taking a big interest in my plight, the doctors and nurses had running/racing stories and called me the “athlete”.  One of the doctors sent in another doc, a 3-time Ironman, to chat with me who told me my case was cool.

Note: The resident that eventually was assigned to me didn’t even think I should stay overnight.  She thought I would be fine to go home and that my levels would return within hours, which they did, but she didn’t have a say-so in it.

Overnight Stay In Cardiac
My nurse in cardiac had done a tri-relay with her sisters and was thrilled to have me.  She was a nutritionist and wouldn’t stop giving me advice, some of it quite loopy, like next time I race I need to fill a camelback with Gatorade.  She also told me a couple times that I’d approached acute renal failure but when I asked the doctor,  the doc said, “WHAT???  That’s not true, she had no business saying that”.  How’s that for weirdness?

My roommate was an obese woman with Lupus and Crohn’s disease, a funny lady, though we talked through the curtain most of the time.  The only bad thing was she slept a lot but left the TV on a channel that alternates Jerry Springer and Maury Povich for hours.  That was hell.

I was monitored all night and this morning got an echocardiagram.  I should have been able to leave early but had to wait for the main doc to start his shift.  So at 3pm I took the “walk of shame”, not in high heels and evening wear, but sports bra, shorts and racing flats.  Just as pathetic.  At least I’d removed my bib.

My thoughts
Yeah,  I pushed, but it drives me nuts that I couldn’t tell the difference between normal 5K suck and heat suck.  I was asked if I had chest palpitations or any other warning signs but I didn’t.

As for the dehydration, I had a couple glasses of wine the night before (not so good) but also a few non-caffeinated sodas and some water.  Drank a huge glass of water a couple hours before the race and water when I got there.  What I’m kicking myself for was not taking S-caps, I keep forgetting to use them this summer – most idiotic, I would have avoided the whole scenario if I’d taken them (or any other type of electrolyte/salt thing).

Other than that, I think my furnace burns hotter than most.  I’ve always thought that and here’s why:  I would like nothing better than to run in sportsbra/shorts at 65 degrees.  The women where I run won’t wear them until it’s near 80.  I would die.  It’s a little embarrassing to be nekkid compared to everyone else, but I “allow” myself to wear one as soon as it’s 70 degrees.  In fact, when it’s 65, I actually wait for it to get to 70 so I don’t have to wear a sopping wet singlet.

I asked a couple docs separately about this today, wondering if maybe it could be due to perimenopause (sorry folks, this is unsexy talk and I hate it because it shows my age, but it’s my reality).  Both doctors said it very well could be.

HTFU?
I wanted to do was making myself do these summer races because I felt like a whiner and excuser when I bitched about how I don’t handle heat well, especially when everyone goes “hey, it’s only a 5K!”  The whole point was to harden up, but I think I’m confusing guts with self-knowledge, something I seem to lack.  Maybe time will give me that.   Until then, I guess it’s my achilles heel.

On the good note, even with the silly start and soap opera finish, it was an improvement over the last 5K and in worse conditions.  But what to do now?  Do I really want to “race for fun” in 80 degrees?  That’s an oxymoron.  I’d hate racing at partial capacity and getting beat.  Stupid ego.  Guess I need to set a temperature limit at which I won’t race (which, if I had my druthers would be 65, but then I won’t be racing much).

Anyway, I’m fine, so no worries – a little weirded out but none the worse for wear.  Thanks for reading this ridiculously long report.  And to think…it was only a 5K.

Last night I looked at last year’s time for this race (it was the first time I broke 21) and the training surrounding it and saw that my training runs were all faster than this year, though my quality runs this past couple weeks are almost lining up again.  Granted, I’d spent the first half of 2009 training for a goal Half and did quite a bit of racing, whereas today was my first 5K in almost a year.  This probably didn’t help.

The Race
There’d been a thread on the forums recently about warming up and in it, I realized I’d been doing myself a disservice with my usual 1-mile warmup.  I always do at least 2 miles before any quality work, so isn’t it dumb to do less when you’re expected to go faster and it counts?  So I did a 2.25 warmup, stayed in the shade as much as I could and ran very easy because I didn’t want to get heated up.  Did a few strides which didn’t bode well speedwise, but then, my pre-race strides never do.

I lined up a few rows behind the fast guys.  We had chipped bibs this year which helped lower the start-line placement anxiety.  Some woman about my age stood next to me and said with a conspiratorial smile, “I’m slow and probably shouldn’t be lined up right here”.  I asked her what she was going for, which she didn’t understand, so I rephrased it, “What finish time are you expecting?”  She said, “Oh, somewhere around 30 minutes.”  I said, “Yeah, you shouldn’t be here, you better move back”.  I smiled when I said it and she was cool about it, but huge internal eye-rolls.

The race was uneventful, after we settled into the first 1/2 mile, nobody passed me from that point on, save one surprise man at the final kick.  I knew after the first mile I wasn’t going to get a good time, I was just too hot and my breath too loud.  Still, I passed people throughout the race and if nothing else, my splits were consistent.

Final time, 21:39 (might have a couple seconds less, I think that’s clock time).  The splits went 7:01, 6:59, 6:54 and 6:48 pace for the last tenth.

On the good side, I won 1st 40-49 AG (3rd OA was a 40-year old, so I’m sure Athlinks will annoyingly report me as 2nd AG) and was 8th female.  But as I mentioned on Facebook, the win feels empty since my time was so poor.  Sure, the weather had something to do with it, but I clearly have a lot of work to do beyond Nature’s contribution.

While my sensible mind tells me this is just a comma in the larger racing scheme, I still fear that 2009 was my Flowers For Algernon period and that now I’m regressing until I end up retarded again, just like Algernon.  Yeah yeah, that’s gotta be bogus, I am improving again, but it’s so damn frustrating.

Next Race
There’s another 5K in a couple weeks that I also did last year.  It was my PR race.  I had a lot of thoughts today about whether to do it or not.  My initial thought was, I’ll wait till the very last minute to sign up and only do it if the weather’s good.  But that’s stupid.  No matter how demoralizing a poor race is, it’s one step better to racing well and my best racing happened when I was doing it often and worried less about it.

Right now, as has happened before when not racing much, they become so precious that there’s too much weight attached to each one.  Time to race more, in whatever crappy conditions are served, and get used to having sub-optimal finish times (which hopefully, will become optimal the more I do it).

It’s no secret that racing often makes you a better racer and beyond that, it’s the best speedwork possible, so I need to get over my embarrassment at shit race times (damn you, Athlinks!!! And this blog!!! And Facebook!!! And my forum participation!!! And… oh, nevermind)  and just go for it.  So I’ll be doing that 5K on the 13th no matter how stinkin’ hot it is.

New Shoes!
To drive the final nail in my overstriding/heelstriking coffin, I bought some Saucony Kinvaras yesterday, a lightweight neutral shoe that encourages forefoot/midfoot striking due to it’s scant 4mm heel drop.  I’m excited as hell to put these to the test and will give you my thoughts on them in the next week.

Have a great memorial day, folks!

Beautiful babes from the Women’s BQ thread

Disco hummer limo to Ron’s house
Ron’s brunch with a clever idea for us to “put our balls on the table”, a favorite phrase of Paul/Zab, who sadly could not be there that afternoon due to a family commitment.

After Ron’s party, I went to the pasta dinner where I got to spend some quality time with my California gal-pals Barb and Jackie. What an incredible weekend of friendship.

Race Day Morning

Audra and I got up at 5:00am, I had a peanut butter sandwich and coffee, then we took the T with our little group to Boston Commons, meeting up with some of the guys from the sub 3:20 thread, then boarded a bus for the Athletes Village.  Once we arrived, I had another peanut butter sandwich, then went around and said hi to a couple different forum factions so the time went very quickly.   Didn’t take long before we were checking our bags and walking to our respective corrals.

The weather was perfect: 40s at the start, low 50s at the finish (the winds were crosswinds and even some tailwind in spots).  I had my small bottle which I filled up twice during the race and I carried 5 gels, though only ate 3.

Here I am with Steve (aka Gladiator) at the Athlete’s Village after I discover my throw-away pants are wet, thanks to a water bottle opening in my bag.  Oh well.

The Boston Marathon Begins

It took 12 minutes for my corral (Corral 13) to cross the mat and I got quite teary as we approached, thinking about the fact that it would be my last marathon and that I couldn’t have chosen a more awe-inspiring way to finish, but also, fear for what the day would bring.

If you’re new to this blog, I’ve been lucky to qualify for Boston with both marathons I’ve done, but both ended on an ugly note: one with a seized-up back so hunched over I couldn’t stand up and huge blood blisters on both feet, and the second one spent run/walking for nearly 8 miles.  So as I approached the start loaded with a ton of emotions, I said aloud, “Here we go, Flo” and hoped it would be a good day.

Pacing

A couple posts earlier, I showed you my paceband, which didn’t have a single pace on it, just where the hills were and how long each one was.  I ended up writing my 10 mile and 13.1 projection on the back of my hand with a sharpie, so at least I’d have a clue by the halfway point if my goal was on or not.  This worked out perfectly – a traditional pace band would have been useless to me, I didn’t even pay attention to the Garmin in the second half.

I was aiming for 7:45 average and expected some faster miles in the first half, but settled back a bit so by the time the Half came, I knew my goal of 3:24ish was gone – I was already 2 minutes over and still had the hills to contend with.  But I was so relaxed about the goal, really wanting to make this a “by feel” race, that anything under 8:00s on the non-hills was fine by me.   All I really cared about was trying to make this the first marathon where I didn’t walk and could finish in one piece.

The Hills

I was very worried about the hills since my usual running route doesn’t have any, but for this cycle I did all my Sunday long runs on a trail that has some elevation to work with.  It paid off.  I couldn’t believe how non-scary the hills were.  The first one came and it was so uneventful, I passed a bunch of people and it didn’t last very long so then I thought the next one must be way harder, but no, I took them as they came all the way through Heartbreak Hill.

I was so surprised that by 21-22 I got some extra energy and ran it a bit harder, but I realized that was pretty stupid since anything could happen before 26.2, so I made myself chill out.  Sure enough, the last few miles felt much tougher.

Body-wise, the downhills didn’t do too much to me, I had some IT band twinges in the second half, but fleeting.  My ankle was troublesome for a good while and but my feet weren’t too horrible (no blisters or bruises this time!), though I did tie my shoes tight to keep my feet from sliding on the downhills, and the right one was too tight, so I spent a few miles wondering if I should retie it, but eventually forgot about it.

Splits

7:58
7:48
7:38
7:44
7:52
7:46
7:50
7:59
7:56
8:00
8:03
7:45
7:55
8:02
8:05
7:41
8:11
8:10
7:58
8:19
8:25
7:42
7:54
7:58
8:06
7:48
1:47

No walking, no wheelchair.  Yay me!!

In the end, the course was not as difficult as I’d anticipated.  Might also be helped by having screaming people surrounding you from the start to the finish, which I found pretty entertaining as a whole but I didn’t high-five or interact with anyone.   I thought the Wellesley tunnel would be louder, wasn’t so astounding as I’d imagined, though it was pretty funny.

I was only ok on tangents because there was always a thick stream of people and with all the water stops, it seemed like going down the center of the road was often the best bet.

Final Statistics
3:28:29
66th in AG out of 1583, 1136 out of 9772 women, 6641 out of 23126 OA.

The People of Boston

I cannot believe how amazing the hundreds upon hundreds of volunteers were.  You would be shocked at how kind and happy and helpful they were, from the Expo to the pasta dinner to the race, over and over you’d hear stuff like “have a great race” and “great job”.

Then the non-volunteering Bostonians were just as supportive; you’d be walking after the race and one after another would say “congratulations!” or talk to you on the train about it.  It was like a cocoon of good feelings wherever you went.  I can’t describe it adequately.

Did I Buy A Jacket?

Sorry to disappoint, but no I didn’t.  I just didn’t care enough about it.  The color combo is too vibrant for my tastes and the fabric too thin to be very useful.  I will say though, that the race shirt is great and the only one I’ve ever gotten in a goody bag that I’ll actually wear (it fits properly, which is so rare for us small gals)

Did I Change My Mind About Quitting Marathons?

Hell no!  Around mile 7 I reconfirmed that it’s the absolute correct choice for me.  That was when my ankle had already started hurting, my feet were already feeling the pavement and I was thinking, “19 more miles of this shit?”  Not interested.

But what a way to go!

]]> http://www.girlinmotion.com/boston-marathon-race-report/feed 34 http://www.girlinmotion.com/shamrock-half-marathon-race-report http://www.girlinmotion.com/shamrock-half-marathon-race-report#comments Mon, 22 Mar 2010 03:14:09 +0000 Flo http://www.girlinmotion.com/?p=4418 Road Trip To Virginia Beach
Saturday morning, I drive to Audra‘s mom’s house in NJ so we can begin our road trip: Loren, Audra and I, Loren and Audra having driven down from NYC the night before.  Loren greets me with “I’ve got diarrhea” which was the theme for the weekend.  We bundle into Loren and Audra’s car and off we go, a little after 9am so we can get to the Expo by late afternoon.

I’ve printed out Google’s directions which tells us it’s a 6-hour drive to Virginia Beach but the route is slow with many stop lights.  I didn’t really check out the directions since Google has always been good for me in the past, so when we get to the bottom of NJ and Audra reads out the next direction “ferry to Lewes – 16.5 miles”, I’m thinking “oh, that means turn off by this port here, not really take the ferry”  No.  It meant take the ferry.

How did we end up on a ferry?

Not only does Google slip in the stupid ferry (which was an unexpected $45.00) but it only runs 4 times a day!! We got there just as they were boarding, if we had been 10 minutes later, we’d have been absolutely screwed.  Plus, Google says 37 minutes for the ferry but it took over 1:30, so now we’re beginning to worry if we’ll get to the Expo before it closes.

More crappy directions from Google (slowest route EVER) and we get to Virginia Beach at 4:15.  We meet Kat at the hotel and get to the Expo with about 15 minutes to spare.  Whew!  On the way, Audra had spotted an Italian restaurant, so we eat early which meant I didn’t have time to fit in a run.  I was a bit worried about this since I’d taken Friday off and I never take 2 days off in a row, plus I was planning on a shakeout run.  Oh well.

My Big Toe
On my 20-miler last Sunday, something happened to my big toe and I’ve had pressure on it all week though there wasn’t any visible bruising.  It’s been a worry for the race but I figured it’d go away by Sunday…alas, no.  So we come back from dinner and on a whim, I take one of the safety pins meant for the race bib and stick it under my nail.  Voila, clear liquid comes out.  There had been a blister there the whole time and finally, the pressure was gone.

With that, I knew it could be a good race.

Team BQ Babes - Audra, Loren, Me and Kat

The Race
We jog to the start, thanks to Kat getting us a great hotel just a few blocks from the start and finish, we didn’t even have to check our bags.  It’s a beautiful morning.  Us Halfers got great weather – the Full folks weren’t so lucky, it got up to 70 degrees for them, but for us, 50 at the start finishing around 60.

7 a.m. and the gun goes off.

As you know, I’ve been pretty worried about the whole race scenario and what I’d be able to manage since my tempos have been so-so and Tuesday’s was just plain awful.  I was thinking 7:19s for a target since that was my last good 5mile tempo run.

My first mile is 7:21 and I’m hyper-vigilant of how I feel, “can I hold this?” “should I stay here?”  “how exactly am I feeling?”  I haven’t a clue, really.  But I think I can go a bit faster, so I do.

If anyone thinks Philly’s flat, it’s a mountainous region compared to Shamrock.  This thing is flat as a pancake and I loved every inch of it.  Woody sections, beachy sections, a lighthouse, beer (though I didn’t partake), just a lovely course.  But I didn’t pay attention to that as much as to a bunch of girls butts.

Girls Butts
There were 2 lithe cute girls in green plaid running skirts who had started before me.  They looked fast and I knew I’d never pass them, but I just tried keeping those skirts in view to keep the gap from getting too big.  Around mile 4, I passed them.  OK, butt set #1, down.

Next was some woman in capris and pigtails, a tiny, fast looking thing, but I overtook her without any ado. Then I followed some chick in navy Race Ready shorts (it really was all about the butts) for a couple miles till suddenly, boom, gone.  And it kept happening.  I’d see another girl in front of me looking strong, follow a while  and poof, I was in front.

For the longest time there was this one girl in light blue shorts.  I was pretty close to her for several miles – again, not expecting to pass her, I just wanted her to stay close was all, she had great form so I actually thought at one point “I don’t need to pass you, just stay there as my carrot” so again, huge surprise when I gave a little push, got alongside her and she said “great running” to me, to which I replied, “me?  I’ve been chasing your ass for miles now, great job yourself!” and then I passed her.

A few more butts, including one at 1.5 miles to go that I was reticent about passing because I thought she’d give me a run for my money, but no…she didn’t try to catch up.  It was weird, actually.  I’ve never picked off people like that in any race before.

Finally, and god I hope the race photographers got this, on the stretch of boardwalk about .25 mi from the finish line, some woman comes out of nowhere, an older woman (these others were all a lot younger which is why I was ok with the idea of them beating me) and kicks right in front of me.

“Oh no you di-unt, bitch” is what goes through my mind and I have no idea where this extra gear came from, because I was already busting a gut that last stretch, but we ran neck and neck like 2 crazy old madwomen for a really good piece, till I finally had to let her go.  I couldn’t keep it up but wow, I sure thank her for appearing because she got me a faster finish time.

My splits were this: 7:21, 7:11, 7:09, 7:14, 7:15, 7:17, 7:11, 7:13, 7:22, 7:15, 7:14, 7:17, 7:09 and whatever’s left over for the extra bit (didn’t stop my Garmin, as usual).  The slower middle mile coincides with the course as it curved around and met some wind.  I carried my 12oz handheld and took 2 gels at miles 5 and 10.

Final Outcome
We had no idea how we’d done!  They didn’t post results anywhere or have an awards ceremony so it wasn’t till we were driving back that we got a call telling us how we did.  I did 1:35:02 which got me #1 in my Age Group, Kat and Audra had huge-ass PRs and Loren did amazingly well considering she was diarrhea woman.  Together, our team got #1!  3rd overall behind 2 mens teams, so what a fabulous surprise bonus.

Meredith and Elizabeth
Yet another high point of this most stellar weekend was meeting two wonderful women I’ve known through the forums but never had a chance to meet.  Meredith (aka MereRunner) on RW is just plain fucking fast.  That’s all I have to say about her.  She got a 1:25:59 in the Half.  OK, I have more to say…she is so sweet!  Just an absolute doll of a girl.  Really glad to have met her.

Elizabeth, aka Greenlee, is someone I’ve been wanting to meet for about 2 years now, she’s another babe from the Women’s BQ thread and we got to see her on the course though it broke my heart for her that she was not having a good day.  As mentioned above, it got really hot for the marathoners (why did they start them an hour after us?) so she was burning up.  Kat and I ran with her for a few steps then we had a short chat and some hugs.  She ended early but will be victorious at her next one, I’m sure of it!

Epilogue
Dear Kat, Audra and Loren,
I had the time of my life these last couple days.  Thank you so much for making it an incredibly fun weekend.  I’ve eaten just about all the salt water taffy so my tummy’s full, but so is my heart.  Much love to you and I hope we can do this again many more times and soon (though maybe we’ll skip the ferry ride next time).

Lobster Mammogram

I did this one thanks to Lynn on the Women’s BQ thread.  She’s a great gal and when she mentioned this race, I was all “ooooh, I dunno”.   After Philly, I’ve been scared to race again (though I know I needed to) plus I’ve been slower this cycle and this race is hillier than any race I’ve ever done.

I read a great term on the Marathon Race Training forum for the first race of the season, “Rust Buster” and that’s exactly the way I thought of this one.  Just get it out of the way so the more important race, my Half in March, isn’t such a shock.  Even so, yesterday I required hand-holding from my Sub3:20 thread friends because I was more worried about what people would think with my result, since I knew it would not be indicative of a good marathon for April.

I know this is stupid, btw, to be concerned with what people think but I’m telling you this because I know it’s a common feeling even if you don’t have a blog, since our race results are there on Athlinks for anyone to see.  And I do have a blog. :-)  Anyway, my pals on the thread were, as usual, amazing, cool, sweet and so positive that I wish I could hug them all.  Luckily, I’ll be able to attack a good many of them in Boston.

Last Night

I’ve been keeping late hours these days, going to bed at 2am, getting up at 8:30 or 9:00, so I took a melatonin around 10pm to get to sleep at 11 which worked a treat, though I had a bit of tossing and turning.

Before I took “my meds” (that term cracks me up, how it’s in the common vernacular these days), I pulled out Matt Fitzgerald’s Brain Training For Runners because there’s a really great section on pain and suffering within racing and I needed to reread it.  After Philly, that’s one of the things that scares me, the discomfort, but Matt basically says expect and invite the pain, which helped me be “bring it on!” today instead of worrying about the hills.

This Morning’s Weigh In

I told myself last night not to get on the scale.  I knew it would fuck with my head because I’m heavier lately so I told myself not to weigh myself and when I wake up, pretend I’m 117.5 (so not true since I haven’t been that since early November).

I took a lot of Ibuprofen yesterday because I have a quad that’s been tight and I haven’t been good about tending to it but for the last couple days I’ve been rolling it so now it’s more tender than before.  Unfortunately, ibuprofen makes me retain water, so when I got on the scale this morning (what, you thought I’d obey myself?) and saw 122.5, it was more confirmation that the race would not be my best.  I was pretty much ok with it by now though, so in a good mood, though scared.

The Race

I see Lynn and her hubby when I get there which was a stroke of luck because there were tons of runners.  It’s a bigger race than I thought.  I get my bib and was very happy that it was chip-timed because I didn’t want to line up near the front this time.

I was in the bathroom line to the very last minute so I didn’t get a warmup though I found a little swath of parking lot next to the start and did a few circles there.  The temperature was 34 degrees but windy at times, so I guess “real feel” upper 20s.

I never have much recollection of my races, though what I do remember was a guy dressed in a penguin suit who was the pacer for 35:00 (surprised there were pacers…there was also another penguin for 40:00).  He passed me at the beginning and I wasn’t one bit tempted to try to keep up.  With the hills in mind, all I wanted to do was finish this race in one piece.

There was another guy running near me who obviously did this race many times, so he’d announce, “a hill coming up after this turn” which was helpful but also annoying because he wasn’t one bit out of breath, so I was jealous.

One thing I remember clearly was in the midst of it, all the worry about what kind of time I’d get or what people would think of me became laughable.  I was a strong woman again.  As I made my way up those rollers (they were genuine hills to me but I’m sure others would be “oh yeah, gentle rollers”) I was once again alongside and passing men much younger than me and damn, if that isn’t always a gift to the psyche.  I’m sorry guys, I know it’s petty, but to hang with your kind is one of the thrills of racing for me.  I love men and while being surrounded by them is fabulous, passing them is downright delicious.

Splits were 7:15,7:16,7:10,7:05,6:58.  My clock time was 35:53 (chip time’s not up yet), 1st place in my AG.  Sure, it’d suck if I was predicting a marathon from it but I’m not and in fact, I’m pretty chuffed with the result.  I managed this on a new and hilly course and 5lbs heavier than my usual (honestly, 7lbs over my best race weight from the Spring).  I will lose the weight before my Half and when the weather improves, running should be easier so today was a good Rust Buster.

That said, maybe I should be thinking 3:30 – 3:25 for April 19th but really…who gives a fuck?   If that’s what it’ll need to be, that’s what it’ll be.  Seriously, I want to feel like I did today, strong and capable.  You can’t buy that feeling.

I’ll do this race again next year, the Masters winner came in at 33:xx and I’ve got my eye set on that.  I’m just waiting for this marathon rigmarole to be overwith so I can find Fast Flo again.  She’s here alright, just waiting for an opening.

Miscellaneous

I totally forgot to eat anything this morning, but never felt as though my energy was compromised.  So last night’s pasta was enough to keep me happy throughout, good to know for the future.  And I didn’t even notice my quad.

Shoutout to Lynn and Joanna, it was super fun hanging with you guys afterwards and thanks again Lynn for talking me into it, I owe you one.

The whole digging deep deal is something I’ve decided that, in the end, there was nothing I could have done mentally that would have kept me running without the walk breaks, my body was just not going to do it for longer than a minute, every time I started up, it genuinely hurt, I felt like I was pushing a 250lb weight.  And today, I am in classic marathon pain.  My quads and calves are killing me, but I like it, it proves to me that it wasn’t my brain saying “I don’t like this, let’s walk” but my body saying “I can’t do this, let’s walk”.

So I think my Giver Upper thoughts were misplaced, it would have been more accurate to berate myself at the time for attaching to the pace group around mile 11.5 when I had no business doing that at all.  I wonder what I’d have finished in if I hadn’t made that terrible tactical move.  Maybe 3:25?  That was a huge error and I was so driven by ego (can’t let 3:20 go!!!) that I totally messed it up.  Of course it sucks, but at least I can use this as valuable information for the future.

Nutrition and Hydration: I ate 3 gels, forgot about the last one, but I had a cup of gatorade so I was ok in that department. Since the race was already stupid, I decided to practice drinking straight from the cups a couple times since I suck at that.  It just confirmed that my bottle is worth carrying for 26+ miles.  I can refill it pretty high with 3-4 cups running through one stop.

Shoes:  Mizuno Elixirs (which I’d tested out on long runs) were ok in that I had no toenail problems or blisters, but I was very aware of my foot slapping the pavement starting at mile 15ish and I don’t think that did me any favors, my feet were hurting, so next time I’ll wear my Inspires.

The other thing I’ve been thinking about is this: I had an amazing Spring, that’s when my times dropped faster than I’d ever imagined they would, so most of my races came out better or right on the money with the goals I’d attached to them.  Now things are normalized again, so if I make goals that are on the outside edge of what I can do, there’s a lot bigger chance for a crash and burn.  I need to be a little more modest (aka realistic) in my goals from here on in.

Next marathon is Boston and I’m going to transfer the sub3:20 goal to that.  No chasing a sub 3:17, just plain old difficult enough 3:19:59.  Incidentally, one good thing out of yesterday’s PR is that I’m at least in the first wave at Boston, if only by the skin of my teeth.

So I’m taking it easy through December, haven’t decided on mileage but I’m thinking something around 50-60 with a weekly day off sounds good.  I’ll play it by ear.  No pressure, that’s the ticket.

Afterward brunch and expo, then Kat and Audra come back to my place since they were staying with me.  I was so glad they were there, I was able to almost forget about the race and felt in capable hands since they’ve got a lot of marathons between them.

Race morning: Up at 5:15, slug some coffee and my usual peanut butter bread w/banana  and get myself ready.  I gave my bag for bag check to the girls who offered to carry it so I wouldn’t have to deal with checking it in.

Perfect weather for a race: 44 – 51 and sunny.  I’ve got sunglasses on my head, small water bottle in my hand, socks for arm warmers (which I discard after the 1st mile) and 4 gels.

Get to the race area and slide right into my corral (advantages of living 10 minutes from the start line).  I’m feeling good, I tell myself this is my day and I believe it.  Gun goes off.

First mile 7:53 was slower than I wanted due to the crowd but I’m not worried, lots of time to make that up.  The next few miles are pretty much on 7:30 pace but I know it’s not matching my paceband (which accounted for the course elevation, so indicated faster miles here).  I decided to ignore my paceband from that point on and just listen to my body.  I wanted to try to be as non-negative as possible, though not entirely successful, ignoring the paceband helped.

Mile 8 had a meaty uphill and my pace slowed to 7:50.  Mile 9 had another hill and I handled it ok but knew I was probably slower than what the paceband would have had me do.  At this point, I just said fuck it and told myself to “run within yourself”.  I was already figuring the sub 3:17 was toast and I didn’t want to feel pressured into running badly to make it happen.   Wish I’d stuck to that.

I get out on Kelly Drive, feeling alright, then the 3:20 pace group comes up from behind moving faster than I am.  I kind of panic seeing how fast they’re going compared to me (I still thought I was in 3:20 land at this point), so I decide to hang on, though I have to speed up some to keep up.  That was a major mistake.

The pace leader, incidentally, is an RW forumite as well, Pacer Chris, though he had no idea I was there and wouldn’t have known me if he’d seen me.  Nice guy, great pace leader too.  I follow him for a couple miles and up the last real hill, Lemon Hill, and I can tell my HR is just way higher than it should be.  I hear the people around me talk and they’re very relaxed while I’m not – this is not good.  So at mile 14.5 I sadly let them go and return to running my own race.  But by now I know it’s too late, this is going to be a looooong race.

Mile 16 is 7:56 (there are no hills here, I just can’t move faster), mile 17 is 8:16.  There aren’t any spectators for this portion which makes it very easy to berate myself for realizing that while I want to be competitive in this sport, I’m really just a Giver Upper, I don’t have the “dig deep” gene that a real racer has.  I’ve always felt this though, so it’s nothing new, just good to rub it in when I’m feeling low.

Mile 18 is 8:25.  I reflect at how, for my first marathon last year, this was to be my race pace (which totally got mangled, just as this one was).  Somehow this is amusing and very sour at the same time.  At 18.75, with labored breathing and the knowledge that my effort cannot continue, I take my first walking steps.

It feels like sweet relief, my body getting itself back into a manageable machine, albeit somewhat broken.  On a strangely positive note, I’d already reached Giver Upper stage but had accepted it, so I didn”t even feel bad anymore about my lost goal, it was a done deal so what was I going to do about it?  I know I’ve totally screwed this race so all I can do is try to make it end however I can, which means I end up run/walking the rest of the entire fucking race.

Luckily, I have a Sub 3:20 thread pal’s “voice” ringing in my head, Chris, who told me to relax about PRs and just have fun, so thanks to him and Zab (who sent the sweetest good luck note, also saying “have fun”), I decided that I would not make this a multi-mile self-flogging.  I was going to enjoy what I had and smile.  The new A goal was to get a marathon PR, knowing I could crawl it in at this point – at least that was a given.

I also made a mini-goal to keep me moving, and that was to try and keep my pace no slower than 9min, so I’d walk until I needed to get the time back in order, then run a tiny bit (not even 2 minute stretches, I don’t think) then walk again.  I knew the 3:30 pace group would eventually catch up to me and was kind of hoping I wouldn’t have to see 3:40, but I was pretty much all Fuck It at this point.

I did see a couple of my Women’s BQ pals since there was a long turnaround but couldn’t yell hi back because I’d lost my voice completely, all I had left was a squeak.  So the Manayunk portion was endless but I kept smiling and managed to find some humor out of this ridiculous situation.

I ended up covering a lot more ground than 26.22 because tangents were no longer in my guidebook, I had to stick to the right side of the road so I could stay out of the other runners way.

Oh, and the bibs were funny, they had our names on them and unlike Steamtown, when someone said, “you can do it” or “woohoo,  great job” and I just wanted to punch them since I was so obviously struggling, this time I thought it was really sweet when people called my name and I waved or smiled in thanks, though kept feeling as if I’d let them down when I began walking again.

At mile 25-something I saw my girls screaming for me, Kat yelled something about where we were supposed to meet but I didn’t hear.  I was running when I passed them and wondered if they saw me start walking a bit afterwards.  They knew it was bad anyway since I was so behind at this point, but I was actually feeling pretty good, all things considered (mentally, I mean…my feet hurt and my left shin was aching).

As I neared the museum with about 1/2 mile to go, the cutest thing happened.  People were loving saying my name, maybe because it’s a funny waitress name, but as I started the last rise I started walking again (seriously, I did that shit for 8 miles) a guy yells out, “c’mon Flo, it’s just 1/4 mile to the top of the hill and you’re there” and there were tons of spectators lining the course, so I waved to the guy, wry grin on my face and started running.  Both sides of the crowd started screaming like crazy “yay Flo, wooohoo, Go Flo”, it was surreal.  I’ve always said I didn’t care about crowd support but this was something so special, I was grateful like nothing you can believe.

I made it up the rise and I’m really ready to get this party over with so I pick up the pace and of course, at this very point, I feel the Bear knocking on the door.  For my non-running friends, the Bear is when you want to shit.  I have never, not one single time, in any of my training runs experienced the Bear.  But now, when I’m just .25mi from the finish of hell-race, all I can think about is holding my damn sphincter so tight, I could have strangled a baby with my ass.  Thankfully (because that would have really been a dramatic finish with or without the baby), I kept the Bear at bay.

I came in at 3:33:59.

So I hobble to a pretzel and am actually amazed that with all that walking the time wasn’t that bad.  I’m feeling pretty good about the craziness of the situation and can’t wait to see my girls and talk about it.

But I can’t find them.  They have my clothes and my apartment keys.

I end up walking back and forth for an entire hour looking for them.   We were all so dumb for not having a plan, I guess we all figured it’d be pretty easy to find each other but there thousands of people.  At one point I went to the med tent because I was so cold and asked if I could just stand there for a bit.  I borrow the medic guy’s phone to call Nick thinking he has keys to my apartment, plus I left my phone at home so then I could call Audra or Kat and find them that way but he wasn’t answering.

I start getting really depressed and wondering what the hell to do.  I was freezing and tired of being on my feet so finally, I found a bit of curb in a middle area and sat, just hoping they’d find me.  Like an angel, Nina (one of the Women’s BQ babes) finds me and immediately calls the others like a cop would, “I’ve got her!”  She gives me her jacket and I start blubbering.  All the tension from the race and me feeling lost and helpless just spilled out.

Of course, it turns out we were all going to the same places, just a few steps behind each other so in no time at all, we’re assembled, the girls hold the space blanket around me and I change in the middle of the throng, feeling much better and warm.  We walk to a bar for the apres race gathering (thanks Caroline, you really did a stellar job of all the event planning) and have a great time rehashing.

Everyone is insanely supportive as I know you, my readers, will be.  And I was in a great mood after I’d had a Bloody Mary in me, but walking back home, the fatigue and the weight of a failed race became very heavy.  My “lemonade out of lemons” feeling that I’d managed to hold on to throughout the hardest part of the race was gone.  I just felt and still feel sad.

There are things I realize, like it’s only my 2nd marathon so I shouldn’t be so disheartened, and whatever my body’s been up to these last couple months with the HR was something that wasn’t going to magically disappear even if I did find the cause.  The worst part is this feeling of unease of what does it all mean? Where am I, fitness-wise?  Have I been fooling myself?  Was I pushing the workouts in a false way?  It’s painful to think of these things but to simply say “naaa” is just being an ostrich about it.

My immediate plan was to do like last year and spend the next few weeks playing around with 5K workouts and going for a new 5K PR, but I’m feeling so empty right now, like I can’t fight another fight, even if it’s only 3.1 miles. I feel like my training is one big question mark.  But I’ll get over it.  Glass half full, that’s me.

For my friends, I’m going to hibernate tonight, I don’t want to talk to anyone, so sorry for the unreturned messages and phone calls,  I know you get it.  You know what I hate though?  Is now you’re all going to be so sweet and do like I do when I read a crappy race report, be “great job considering you had to walk blah blah”.  But being on this end of it, I just feel a little pathetic about it.  So tell me I suck. It’ll make me feel better.

P.S. I want to say hi to Jhowdy, who I saw on the course looking fine, Christine, who was flying, Dave, who was also looking great, JoeShmoe who gave me a needed hug at around mile 23 and thank you Amy (my new self-appointed niece) who gave me the most incredible banana bread and some scented recovery salts in which I just took a long bath – they’re fantastic!  Plus all the wonderful BQ Babes: Kat and Audra (my personal race crew), Mir, Tara, Nina, Mary, Amy, Lynn, Jo, Caroline, Jo, Fran, mm64 (sorry for the name forgetting!) and their most excellent hubbies who managed to hang with the chicks and fit right in. Also, a shoutout to Robert, a fellow blogging pal I finally got to meet at the Expo.  What a cool culture, this running thing.

Edit: Lest you guys think I’m still in a funk, I’m not!!  I felt A-OK the next morning.  Read the next entry, Race Wrap Up for my thoughts on the whole thing.