As mentioned in the last post, one of my readers commented on Monday’s post “I think your (and Jaymee’s) thoughts on weight are interesting because they sound so matter of fact and not emotional”.  When I read that, I was taken aback, because I’d forgotten what it’s like to not be this way, which is pretty amazing since food ruled my life for so many years.  Not until my late 20s, early 30s was I able to make peace with food.

An Example From My Past
In the spirit of revealing things that are not pretty but you might recognize in your own individual way… When I was around 19 years-old, I had a dog-walking/dog-sitting business in NYC.  Because I was on a never-ending diet of deprivation, food was always on my mind, and I’d eventually pig out on all sorts of bad crap because I never allowed myself to have it. (no, this story has nothing to do with eating dogfood)

One thing I’d do is, when a dog-walking customer was out of town for a few days and I was hired to walk their dog, I’d always check out the customer’s fridge and cupboards and if I saw a yummy “forbidden” food or even something I’d never have thought to buy in the first place (a container of vanilla Duncan Hines frosting comes to mind) I’d end up eating the whole thing, then before the customer’s return, go the grocery store for a fresh one, eat as much as was missing in the original container, stick it back in the fridge exactly in the same spot, and they’d never know any different.

I’d do it with cookies, chips, all kinds of stuff.  It was pathetic, sneaky, and left me feeling disgusted with myself, so the self-loathing cycle would continue.  But I was young and oh, so hungry!  Not just for food but for all the things you want when you’re that age: love, security, beauty, confidence…omg, I just now felt it again like a wave.  Thank god for getting older.  Seriously.

My point in revealing this tale of compulsive craziness is that you younger gals in particular need to know that whatever you do to fill that void is understandable, even if it’s not healthy or sounds mentally screwy (or neither of these things and you’re better adjusted than I was, lol),  I just want you to know that I get it.  I get what you go through.

And it doesn’t even matter what age or sex you are, food is a problem for more people than not.  I just looked up the latest statistics on this:  73.7% of American adults over 20 are either overweight or obese.  Oh. My. God, 73.7%!  And then you have a whole other group of people with disordered eating.  It’s mind-boggling.  The bitch of it is that we all need food to survive, it’s not like other addictions where you can say “no more” and avoid it from that point on.  But I digress.

My Turning Point
I’ve posted this before in a comment or two and it’s worth reposting because it made such an impact in my relationship to food, the book Overcoming Overeating.  Whether it came at the right time in my life or just hit me in a way no other books on the subject had, it transformed food as an emotional crutch into what it really is: sustenance and a means of taking care of yourself.  Loving yourself, even.

Through it, I learned I could live with a fridge full of my favorite treats and not feel compelled to eat it all or any of it, for that matter.  I learned what hunger feels like, because when you eat for emotion, you rarely if ever get hungry.  I learned to listen to my belly and ask what it really wanted before feeding it, the better to be truly satisfied.  Potential life-altering stuff (was for me, anyway) so worth a read if any of that speaks to you.

How I Am Now
Decades of dieting plus one major shot of self-discovery later, I finally ended up at a nice weight that hasn’t changed much in the last 16 years.  I eat what I want within reason and have no fear of crap food.  I’ll still go through stages like my cookie-chomping period after Boston, but it’s never out of control.

That said, I’m not a complete robot with food or I’d always be perfect race weight instead of half-heartedly trying to lose this handful since last Fall.  But there is something to be said for Need and I obviously haven’t felt enough need to really make the effort until now.  Funny thing is that now it isn’t requiring any effort at all and the weight’s coming off at a good clip.

I’m in a really straight headspace and it’s true that for the most part, there is very little emotion involved, it’s like following an extra training schedule.   But at the same time, I’m finding lots of emotion in it – good emotion.  I’m feeding myself with food that brings me happiness, varying my menu to include fun combinations and making 1800 calories a form of entertainment (albeit in an easy-to-prepare way because I’m a lazy cook).

I’m more casual about record-keeping this time, though no less accountable, but instead of using Dailyplate.com, I’m using pen and paper.  I have a cheatsheet for stuff I usually eat and when I need to look something up, I use CalorieKing.com because it’s really fast and lets you enter grams, ounces, cups, etc. with a minimum of clicking.  Armed with my digital postal scale and a set of measuring cups, it’s easy as pie couscous.

Satiety is also up, thanks to Racing Weight’s schedule on when to eat.  That change alone has made a huge difference in comfort level throughout the day.  By partitioning the food more evenly, I don’t have those hungry dips and valleys anymore.  It actually surprises me to see 3PM and think “Oh wow, I’m supposed to eat something now.”  Excellent, important, and a habit I will keep from this point on.

Coming Up Next Week…The Emotional Body
I had a whole other section I’d written about body image and my feelings about my own changing body but the post is already epically long, so expect this installment next week.  Let me know if these subjects interest you folks, otherwise I’ll stick to Fun With Running.  I’m aware this is female-centric territory, so sorry guys, it’s just a couple of posts (so far ).   But also, if you have topics you’d like me to address on this or something else, let me know.

Fun Chick Flick Apropos To This Subject
Eating.  Here’s the trailer.  I saw it when it came out 20 years ago so I need to see it again myself, but I remember that it was entertaining, funny and an affirmation of the female human condition.  Btw, you can watch it for $2.99 at Amazon Video On Demand (didn’t know they had that service till just now).

Runners Round Table
Off subject…I participated in Wednesday’s podcast, so if you want to hear some nice jabber on running in the heat, take a listen.  And to clarify, Coach Adam is not the same Adam who’s been helping me out and whom I sometimes refer to as Coach Adam.

OK, have a great weekend and remember boys and girls, nurture your sweet selves, treat yourselves as best you can and above all, be kind to yourselves.  You’re the closest friend you’ve got.  Kisses.

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