Archive for October, 2009

Like the pleasure of fresh undies, this week has got to be better than last.

On the apartment front, the freaks were gone all weekend, both the assholes from upstairs and the crazy loon from downstairs (they’re best friends, so they probably went to a weekend-long sheep slaughtering event or similar…ok, maybe a wedding ).

You’d think this would have eased my mind, but all weekend I kept having imaginary conversations with them which sometimes went my way, other times it ended with the crazy lady pushing me downstairs.   And I feel really bad for the girl who lives in the other apartment upstairs, because every time I’d hear someone going up the stairs I’d assume it was the couple, so I’d vigorously give my front door the finger (I’m mature like that).   Poor girl didn’t deserve such negative vibes.

One thing I forgot to mention is that after I went upstairs the first time and talked to the girlfriend, (and got 3 great mornings of sleep for my trouble) I saw the boyfriend on the landing and even told him “I love you!” and he had laughed and smiled, so it’s twisted how things went so sour in an instant.

Seriously though, I’ve had a really tough couple of days.  Saturday evening Nick invited me over to spend a few hours with his family.  I needed the company desperately and he knew it.  Was good to see them all and eat pierogies and laugh and cry together.

Then yesterday I ran 22.2 miles with the last 11 “moderate” as per Hudson (7:53s), avg. for the run 8:16.  The actual running was great, I felt healthy and strong and got to chat for a few minutes with my friend Lara, who was riding her bike in the park.  But my mind was ugly for the whole of those 3+ hours.

I kept thinking of Nick’s ex-wife and my mother (because this suicide business is an all-inclusive club) and this apartment and wondering how I’m going to deal with it and also, constant deep questions about myself and if I’m more of a screwed-up person than I admit to.  I think I’m about as pragmatic as they come, but with my mother’s history behind me, I’ll always have this fear that I’m not who I think I am.  That my hermit ways are a dangerous thing, though even in my aloneness, I’m vastly more social and lack the paranoia and schizophrenic traits my mother had.

One of the things I remembered during the run were these awful little calendar books I found when we cleaned up her apartment where my mother had written in each day, “bad” “bad” “good” “bad”.  There were overwhelmingly more bad days than good.  I take heart in knowing I enjoy life and if I kept such records, it’d mostly be “good”s.

On a science mystery note, I solved the oddity of the outlets not charging my phone or other battery devices.  I’m such a dodo…the outlets I was using were switched outlets!  So when the light switch goes off, so does the power to the outlet.  Duh.

Today is a dark, dark day.  Nick’s ex-wife who struggled with MS for years and has been deteriorating in mind and body (manic depressive and a constant source of anguish in the family, often getting in serious trouble) shot and killed her mother last night, then killed herself.  My poor, poor Nick…I kept telling him nothing more bad can happen because he’s had such a string of shit this year but apparently, I was so incredibly wrong.

Then (though this is so inconsequential in comparison),  I was awoken last night at 3:30am by my upstairs neighbor and kept awake for an hour so I put a little note under their door this morning at about 8am with a sad smiley face and the words “3:30-4:30am” (the girlfriend had said knock on my door if we wake you up again and I thought this would be nicer and non-confrontational).  The boyfriend puts it back under my door an hour later with the added words “you’re sad because you obviously have serious emotional problems!”

So I open the door and try to discuss it and the guy gets really angry and argues with me in a totally illogical manner, putting me on the defensive, then the crazy lady downstairs from yesterday’s post (she’s best friends with the upstairs neighbors) comes out and starts making up weird lying shit “you woke me up just now!, he didn’t wake me up, you woke me up!” (it’s 9:30am), then says ridiculous stuff like “I know all about your boyfriend” (she’s just pulling nonsense out of her ass because she’s crazy), then the girlfriend comes down so it’s 3 against me, making it like I’ve wronged them for being awoken in the middle of the night.

I just sent an email to the real estate woman (Judy of the water throwing incident) to document it, but I don’t want her to say anything because I’m afraid they’ll set fire to my apartment or something.  Judy told me yesterday that the upstairs neighbor’s lease expires in 2 months, so I guess they won’t be renewing it.  I can only hope.  This apartment stuff was funny yesterday – today, not so much.

OK, this marathon business has been starting to get me down a bit, not in a major way, but enough that I’ve been questioning myself and what my goals are and thinking I’m biting off more than I can chew.  Yet, when I step back and look at the difference between an aggressive goal and one that seems more doable, there’s only a couple minutes between them! Which is the nature of racing, when you think about it.

Take my Half, for instance.  I was disappointed because it was a minute over what I’d envisioned (going with my original goal of sub 1:33 here).  Now, take a minute, 60 seconds, and divide it by 13.1.  We’re talking the difference of about 4.5 seconds per mile.  4.5 seconds.  It’s so…nothing!  Yet that time frame is all one needs to beat oneself up.  It’s kooky when you think about it.

So here I am, thinking about the Big M, The Philadelphia Marathon, and re-evaluating what I think will be good for me.  Yes, I want to hit it out of the park without doubt, and in the back of my mind, I’d been entertaining 3:16ish but as it gets closer, I’m thinking that’s too aggressive for where I’m at.  My times, while better than a few months ago, aren’t dropping as I’d hoped.  Not to say I’ve plateaued, but I thought my mileage would make the bottom drop just a bit quicker than it has been.

Along with this, I’m in the RW sub 3:20 thread which is taking a hit on my ego, though entirely my own fault.  The thread was started for sub 3:20ers, but almost all of them have surpassed that dramatically, yet they stay in the thread for the camaraderie (they really are a super cool crew and I love being in the circle).  But they’re faster than me and when I post my workouts, I feel like the slow cousin.

I know this is my own mental crap and if I’d only remind myself that I’m twice the age of the other gal (zoomy Agile) and the rest are men (the majority younger than me), then I’d be able to give myself a break.  But I can’t help it, I feel like one of the crowd, so I feel the pressure.

Anyway, all this to say, I need to stop wanting to perform like those around me and just stick with what I’m capable of.  I’m still going for sub 3:20, no doubt about it, but I’m taking it down a notch and at this point, I’m thinking 3:18 is the top lid of what I should be aiming for, no higher.

Which brings me back to the difference between that and my original goal.  What is it?  Maybe 3 seconds different per mile?  3 seconds! Yet enough to bring me out of “oh shit, I’m not sure this is going to work” to “ok, I can do this”.  Crazy how a couple minutes spread out over the span of over 3 hours can make such a difference to the mind.

But enough mental strife for the moment.  I had a strong speed session today: 10 miles w/5×1000@5k pace w/2min recoveries.  The fast bit went 6:30, 6:24, 6:26, 6:30, 6:29…avg 6:28.  No reason for anything but satisfaction, but I guess that’s not in my DNA.

…going on your Sunday run and finding yourself running upstream against a gaggle of 5Kers hoofing it to the finish.  Such joy knowing whatever you have planned won’t reach one iota of the hurt those guys are feeling.

Cool is…seeing someone you know up near the front of the pack, looking unfazed and zoomy.  That’d be RunForLife – great job girl!! Leave us a little comment/race report telling us how it went.  You looked fabulous this morning!

So where’d I leave off?  Oh yeah, Friday was a bit of LT fun, 11 miles with 3x10min @ HM/10k pace w/4min recs in the middle.  It went ok, the fast bits went 7:05,6:55,6:49.  I was complaining to my buddies on the sub3:20 thread on RW that I feel as if I’m wussing out a bit lately when a workout calls for 5k or 10k pace.  Like I’m not digging deep enough (though it feels like pure effort while I’m doing it).  I’ve gotta make my brain shut up though, that way of thinking is truly useless negativity.  The important thing is I’m working hard, and though I’m already getting nervous about what the final outcome will bring, all I can do is what I can do, right?  Ah, I feel better already.

Yesterday was 9 easy and today, Hudson told me to back off the Long Run miles and I happily complied.  Just 14.34mi this morning, but with some added interest in there: 5x3min@MP w/3min easy between.  I enjoyed it, dialing into MP for short stretches is a good exercise in getting used to the pace.  Started the run slow as usual, first 6 miles averaged 8:48, then after the interval-ettes I came home with around 5 miles @ 8:05, so avg. 8:24 for the run.  Funny how coming home at that faster pace seems so much easier than those initial, slower miles.

In life news, I finally had it the other day.  Ever since I moved into this place, the upstairs neighbor wakes me at 6am or earlier.  I hoped I’d get used to it, but after a month, I realized it wasn’t going to happen.  So I got my nerve together and walked upstairs a couple days ago, knocked on the door and said I was really sorry for asking this and the last thing I want to do is make anyone self-conscious in their own apt, but if you could just keep it down in the early hours so I could sleep through, I’d be sooo appreciative.

All that nervousness for nothing, she was very sweet, said it’s her boyfriend and she’d talk to him.  Turns out they have lovely hardwood floors up there which made me jealous since I have an ocean of blue office flecked wall-to-wall, but that explains the noise.  Anyway, that was 2 days ago and since then, I’ve slept through!  I saw the boyfriend in the hall yesterday and thanked him profusely. I don’t hate my apartment anymore, in fact, I love my little blue hovel.  Now if only a dishwasher could magically appear, I’d be in heaven.

The outlet/recharging situation is still annoying though.  I realized my Braun electric toothbrush was losing it’s usual exuberance (yes, I can run 70+miles/week but somehow using a regular toothbrush is way too much effort).  I moved the charging station to the living room and suddenly, my toothbrush was reborn, excited once again to be cleaning my big chompers.  Granted, it’s going to be a little weird keeping my toothbrush in the living room, but at least its shiny blue handle goes beautifully with the carpet.